by Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D. and Leonard Schwarz

Question: Two years ago my father left a large inheritance to my brother's young girls – that is, to his grandchildren. Recently my brother used all of it, plus some of his own money, to buy a vacation home for his family (he says there are good deals out there these days). Was this ethical, or did Michael cheat his kids?

Answer: Not only did Michael cheat his kids, but he betrayed his father. Whatever his rationalization may be – that the whole family benefits from the vacation home, that the kids wanted to do it, that he'll reimburse them someday – his what's-yours-is-mine attitude toward his daughters' inheritance is unethical. If your brother desperately needed to pay the heating bill, that might be one thing. But raiding the girls' nest eggs to buy a vacation place? In our book, that's stealing.

We hope you'll contact a lawyer in your area for some advice. Even if you can't take Michael to court – or can't bring yourself to – we hope you'll try to shame him into putting his daughters' names on the title to the house.

Finally, we have a suggestion: If you have designated your brother as the executor of your will, say, or as your children's guardian in the event of your death, it's time to get out an eraser.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.

by JEANNE FLEMING, PH.D. and LEONARD SCHWARZ

Question: My great-aunt, a well-off widow in her eighties, has no children. I’ve been encouraging my kids to see her more often and keep her up-to-date on their activities. I know she will appreciate the attention, and since she has to leave her money to somebody, it might as well be my girls. I see this as a win-win situation, but my wife’s disgusted with me. Who’s nuts, her or me?

Answer: Suppose your great-aunt were inviting your attention while concealing from you the fact that she’s leaving her money to charity? Would that be okay? Well, faking affection in order to inherit her money is equally wrong. Each misrepresentation is intended to extract something that presumably wouldn’t be given if the relative being hoodwinked knew the truth.

Encourage a loving relationship between your daughters and your great-aunt and incidentally hope she leaves your family something, and you’ve done nothing wrong. But push your kids to fawn on Auntie in order to get into her will? Sorry, but then you’ve betrayed not only her trust but the trust of your children, to whom you owe better moral guidance.

Plus remember, true motives have a way of revealing themselves. If your family’s attention to your great-aunt is insincere, don’t bet that she – and your other relatives – won’t figure it out. Then too, people with good hearts can inadvertently undermine the schemes of their calculating kin. Imagine that your great-aunt loses most of her money and turns to you – her seemingly fondest nephew – for help with her bills or maybe even for a place to live. Touché … and that’s just what the rest of your relatives will be thinking.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.

by JEANNE FLEMING, PH.D. and LEONARD SCHWARZ

Question: When my grandmother died, she left most of her beautiful antiques to me. Now Mom wants me to share these with her sister’s two daughters. But neither of my cousins had anything to do with my grandmother for at least 10 years before her death, because my aunt and my grandmother were estranged. Mom says I need to do this to keep peace in the family. Must I? I know my cousins will just sell everything I give them.

Answer: An admirable goal, peace in the family, and you’re certainly obligated to take your mother’s request seriously. What you’re not obligated to do, however, is to suspend your own judgment of the reasonableness – or likely effectiveness – of what she’s proposing. And you should certainly take into account what your grandmother would have thought of the deal. It’s one thing if your mother is trying to make up for what was your grandmother’s unfair treatment of your aunt, say, and another if your mother is simply succumbing to her sister’s and nieces’ whining or bullying.

Then too, nothing says you can’t meet your mother’s request part way. For example, you might give each of your cousins just a single antique – ones you believe they might actually enjoy keeping. Another possibility: Specify in your will that some of the antiques go to your cousins or their children, thus ensuring that their “line” ultimately shares in these lovely mementos of your grandmother’s life. Finally, you wouldn’t be wrong to discuss with your mother whether there aren’t some things she inherited from your grandmother that could serve the same diplomatic purpose with her sister’s family as the antiques she’s asked you to part with.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.