Question:  My husband and I are divorced (no kids), but we’ve been unable to sell our house, so we’re both still living in it. Since I’m away a lot on business, shouldn’t he be paying more than half of the utility bills?

Answer:  But what if you take longer showers?

We’re not kidding. There are countless ways you and your ex consume water and energy unequally. Perhaps one of you likes to crank up the air conditioning or to grow tomatoes or to stay up late microwaving popcorn and watching movies. You can’t pick just one variable in the utility bill equation and then cry foul.

Moreover, life is filled with per person, as opposed to per usage, fees. Planes, trains and buses, for example, charge per seat, not per pound, even though heavyweights cost more to transport than bantams. Rare is the car wash that has more than two price points, even though autos come in all shapes and sizes. And, as you’ll discover once you sell the house and start looking for new digs, rarer still are roommates who are willing to split the utility bill on anything other than a per person basis.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.

by JEANNE FLEMING, PH.D. and LEONARD SCHWARZ

Question: The man I love is married to another woman. He wants to leave her, but he says that he can’t afford to get a divorce – that he’ll lose his house and end up with huge child support payments. I have the resources to help him out. But I’m wondering, is it ethical for me, his girlfriend, to subsidize Danny’s divorce?

Answer: There is nothing unethical per se about helping a boyfriend with the expenses that weigh him down. After all, what are those resources of yours for if not to help you find happiness with the man you love? Trouble is, what you’re considering doing is not so much helping Danny with a financial problem as encouraging him to end his marriage. And that’s not right.

Had Danny gotten divorced before you came into the picture, your easing the financial burdens of that divorce would be an act of kindness. But while Danny remains married to and living with his wife, your bank account should not be playing a role in his thoughts about his marriage – and, to be frank, neither should you.

True, these things happen, and your question is about money and ethics, not marriage and ethics. But on either score, what matters is that Danny’s married. And until he isn’t, you shouldn’t be giving him reasons – romantic or financial – to leave his wife.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.

by JEANNE FLEMING, PH.D. and LEONARD SCHWARZ

Question: I’ve decided to leave my husband, so I’ve begun transferring things from our home – mostly stuff from my family – to a storage locker I’ve secretly rented. Chris can be petty. Once he learns I want a divorce, he’ll try to get everything he can, even items he doesn’t care about. Am I doing anything wrong?

Answer: As the queen of heartaches Tammy Wynette once observed, D-I-V-O-R-C-E is pure H-E-Double-L hell. But that’s no excuse for behaving dishonorably. In concealing your intentions while surreptitiously raiding the roost, you’re not being fair to your husband. Since Chris assumes you’re still M-A-Double-R-I-E-D, he’s undoubtedly acting differently than he would if he knew what you knew. Were you to announce your decision, would he, say, continue to have his paycheck deposited in your joint account, accept a generous gift to you both from his parents or – on another front – fail to notice that things are disappearing from the house? We doubt it.

Don’t misunderstand. We’re all for you standing up for your own interests. And if Chris were violent, not revealing your plans until after you’d moved would be fine. But maintaining the pretense of a stable marriage in order to keep your spouse from noticing that you’re helping yourself to what’s arguably community property is cheating, and that’s true whether you’re sneaking prize possessions into a secret storage locker or funneling money into a secret bank account. The Bermuda Triangle of men, women and money has destroyed the integrity of many an otherwise honest person. Try not to let it happen to you.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.

by JEANNE FLEMING, PH.D. and LEONARD SCHWARZ

Question: I hate to say it, but my son-in-law is no good. Three nights a week he goes out with his buddies, leaving Melissa at home with their toddler. Recently, they asked my husband and me to help them with the down payment on a house. While we would like to help our daughter, we’re sure her marriage will end in divorce, and we would hate to see our hard-earned cash winding up in Josh’s pocket. What should we do?

Our answer: Leave your checkbook in the drawer.

While sabotaging your daughter’s marriage would of course be wrong, being realistic about the likelihood that it will succeed is not. If there is a good chance that this marriage is not going to last, pouring your money into the couple’s joint assets is a bad idea. Not only do you risk having made a very large gift to your selfish son-in-law, but whatever you give them now means you’ll have that much less available with which to assist Melissa should she and Josh split up.

More generally, while helping an adult child with the down payment on a home is a wonderful thing to do, it’s not always the right thing, and it’s by no means an obligation of parenthood. Moreover, under no circumstances are you obligated to give money to a son-in-law you don’t like, especially one whose character concerns you. Since Melissa wants to make this large investment with Josh, that is a decision you must honor. But it is not one you’re required to bankroll. We only hope your daughter’s not imagining that, though having a baby hasn’t kept her husband home at night, having a mortgage will.

Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of "Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?" (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.