Q: Having decided not to go to college, our son Kyle wants us to give him the money we saved for his education. He says that since we paid to send his sister to school, he deserves a comparable sum. Could he be right?
A: Contrary to what your son may believe, your money is not his money. True, parents often try to be equally generous with their kids, out of a sense of fairness and a desire to keep the peace. And one day you may decide to give Kyle a leg up -- say, by helping him buy a house -- just as you've done for his sister. But that's your choice, not your obligation. Being fair means taking everything about your children into account, not doling out identical funds.
Our advice: If your savings are in a 529 plan, investigate the tax ramifications of not using them for college. And tell Kyle that if he wants money, he needs to find a job.
Questions? Email Money Magazine's ethicists – authors of "Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?" (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.
Q: Our sons are in their late 20s and have good jobs, but they never pay for anything when they're with my husband and me (they live on their own). Whether it's a family vacation, a dinner out or popcorn and a movie, Tim and Nick automatically expect us to pick up every tab. My husband says he's sick of their sponging and wants to "change the rules." But since MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Feb 24, 2010 1:52 PM ET
Q: When I sold my condo last spring, the homeowners association billed the escrow for my share of painting the building. Now the association says it made a mistake, and I owe $750 more. Am I obliged to pay this?
A: "Hang on, you owe us more money": That's got to be one of the most unwelcome phrases in the English language.
If you knew the original bill was wrong, you MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Feb 2, 2010 5:06 PM ET
Question: When our sister died ten years ago, my brother became the trustee of her five-year-old daughter's trust. Drew invested Mandy's money in a business he was starting, and Mandy received stock in return. The business folded this year, and now the stock is worthless. Shouldn't Drew repay our niece the money he lost? He says what happened is nobody's fault.
Answer: That's just the way the investment cookie crumbles, is MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Dec 22, 2009 4:52 PM ET
Q: My fiancé, Alan, recently had a heart attack. If we go ahead with the wedding, he will be covered by my health insurance (he has none), but I'll become liable for all his current medical bills. What should I do?
A: Like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca, you've been misinformed. Individuals are not legally liable for debts their spouses incurred before they were married. As a practical matter, though, those MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Nov 25, 2009 10:33 AM ET
Question: Is there anything wrong with asking a good friend to secure the loan I'm giving him with the title to his car? Tom really needs the money, but he can be pretty irresponsible, and I don't want my $2,500 to become a gift.
Answer: In a word, No. And in two words, Absolutely Not.
Lending a flakey friend that kind of dough is a very generous thing to do, and MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Nov 11, 2009 11:26 AM ET
Q: My parents were always careful with money. But since Mom died, Dad has taken up with a much wealthier widow and is blowing through his savings entertaining her. Isn't she wrong to let him undermine his financial security like that?
A: Maybe. The key question: Is your dad's lady friend in the dark as to his resources or is she just uncaring? If your father has been pretending to MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Oct 28, 2009 10:34 AM ET
Question: A friend gave me a subscription to a magazine I don't care for. When I canceled after one issue, the magazine sent the refund to Gretchen. I don't want to seem small, but especially since I'd given her a nice present, shouldn't Gretchen have given that money –- or another gift –- to me?
Answer: Call us unsentimental, but gift-giving is a transaction as well as a pleasure. And, usually, MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Sep 29, 2009 5:26 PM ET
Question: My boyfriend lent me $12,000, saying to repay him when I could. Six months later, when I broke up with him and didn't pay the loan back right away, he e-mailed my friends, family and new boyfriend revealing secrets I'd told only to him. He also e-mailed prospective clients of my new business saying I was unreliable and untrustworthy. Especially since I lost customers because of Adam, am I MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Sep 2, 2009 7:58 AM ET
Question: Karen, my otherwise good financial adviser, often e-mails me articles on Obama's handling of the economy. These pieces are politically one-sided, and it's not my side. Should I complain?
Answer: Very irritating, these folks with an ax to grind who relentlessly forward "interesting" e-mails to everyone they know.
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Aug 19, 2009 4:49 PM ET
Question: The stock market wiped out my elderly parents' savings. My two sisters and I now have to help with their bills. How should we divide them, given that some of us have more money and some of us have more kids?
Answer: Hold on. Before you divvy the bills, there's a lot more to consider than bank accounts and kids. What if, for example, one sister is providing most MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Aug 4, 2009 5:01 PM ET
Question: My husband and I are divorced (no kids), but we've been unable to sell our house, so we're both still living in it. Since I'm away a lot on business, shouldn't he be paying more than half of the utility bills?
Answer: But what if you take longer showers?
We're not kidding. There are countless ways you and your ex consume water and energy unequally. Perhaps one of you likes to MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Jul 22, 2009 10:05 AM ET
Question: A friend who goes out a lot tells me he tips 25-30 percent in bars, so bartenders are always giving him free drinks. Jake says everyone knows to do this. Even if they do, isn't this cheating the bar owner? Answer: A penguin goes into a bar and says to the bartender "Have you seen my father?" The bartender says "I don't know. What's he look like?"
Don't bartenders put up MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Jul 7, 2009 5:17 PM ET
Question: We often eat out with another couple, always dividing the check 50/50. Since Pam and I are economizing these days, we no longer order drinks in restaurants. Our friends do, though, and they don't seem to notice that splitting the check has become an awfully good deal for them. I think they should offer to pay for their booze, but Pam thinks our long-standing 50/50 arrangement is fine. Who's MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - Jun 2, 2009 4:11 PM ET
Question: My boss recently laid off a lot of people. As a result, she's given me much more responsibility - but no raise and no better title. Is this fair? She says she won't promote me until she sees how I do.
Answer: Call it a wild guess, but we're betting your boss didn't lay those people off just to be mean. We agree that in a perfect world, an MORE
Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz - May 19, 2009 4:24 PM ET
