Replacing a returned gift
Question: A friend gave me a subscription to a magazine I don’t care for. When I canceled after one issue, the magazine sent the refund to Gretchen. I don’t want to seem small, but especially since I’d given her a nice present, shouldn’t Gretchen have given that money –- or another gift –- to me?
Answer: Call us unsentimental, but gift-giving is a transaction as well as a pleasure. And, usually, part of the deal is that the presents don’t just go one way. Reciprocation of some type isn’t only gracious, it’s required. So had your friend, say, accidentally left a gift intended for you behind on a train or ordered something for you that never arrived, she’d still owe you one. Bad luck and good intentions don’t wash away obligation.
But your situation is different. Your friend gave you a gift that you chose to reject. While it’s nice to get something you want or need –- and these days we’ve all gotten used to the failsafe gift (a gift card, for example, or exchangeable merchandise or an item from a “wish list”) –- the fact is that givers have no obligation to give a gift that is certain to please, only to give one that they hope will please.
Obviously, Gretchen struck out on her selection of a gift for you. But she unequivocally reciprocated your gift to her, and that’s all she needed to do. It doesn’t matter that she got her money back, because what she gave you was a present, not an I.O.U. Would it have been thoughtful of Gretchen to replace the subscription with a different one? Absolutely. But as long as she made a note to never send you that magazine again, she hasn’t done anything wrong.
Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.
I agree with the 3 previous posts. You seem to be a thoughtless, greedy person. You essentially told your friend that you didn't appreciate her gift when you cancelled the subscription. Why would she then turn around and reward your behaviour by buying you another gift? You probably thought she would never find out (i.e. they would send you the money) but it didn't work out that way. It's probably good that she learns this about you now, rather than when she's invested more time into this "friendship."
Unbelievable…I wouldn't want to be your friend…Oh my God! Lol! Don't give a gift to someone if you expect something in return! You selfish [person]!
I don't think you should expect reciprocation when gift giving, you should give a gift not expecting anything in return.
If someone doesn't give you a gift back, or you don't like their gift, adjust your giving for the next time, but giving gifts is not about getting back what you spent, its about being generous…
Wow. You sound like a greedy narcissist and unfriendly. How do you think your friend felt after she found out that you rejected her gift? Couldn't you have skimmed it (to expand your knowledge) and then donated it to a hospital or women's shelter? I mean, come on; it's the thought that counts.
Money Magazine's ethicists, Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz, are the authors of "Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?" (Free Press, 2008).
Cash really belongs in the list of failsafe gifts. It's universally useful, always appreciated – and never leads to sticky situations like this.