Subscribe to this BlogFriends without money
Do recessions ruin friendships? That's the premise of an interesting, if rather depressing, post by Emily Bazelon on the XX Blog. Class differences can wreak havoc on relationships even in good times, she notes, in all sorts of subtle and not-so subtle ways: Inviting someone to dinner at a fancy restaurant can be tricky if you don't know whether he or she can afford it. (You may recall the movie Friends With Money, starring Jennifer Aniston as the friend without.)
"We often sidestep relationships in which spending habits don’t match up exactly," Bazelon writes, "to spare ourselves feelings of inadequacy or insensitivity, those awkward breaches that make intimacy feel like work."
But recession — and its concomitant layoffs, pay freezes and general economic disquietude — can upset even these carefully-calibrated relationships. When one friend loses a job, she notes, "the sudden uneven footing isn’t easy to negotiate." Quoting from numerous — sometimes sad, sometimes bitter — emails she got on the subject from her readers, Bazelon sketches out the "collateral damage" the recession has inflicted upon relationships.
One reader moved into her parents' house to help them pay the mortgage after her dad's salary was cut; her friends back where she used to live blame her for the new distance (literally) in their relationships. Another reader lamented the loss of “the accidental friendships of proximity" she'd had at her former job, which she lost in the spring.
Of course, such friends are practically the dictionary definition of "fair-weather friends." Unfortunately, as I think Bazelon's article makes pretty clear, virtually everyone has casual friends who fit into that category; it's just that in good times we have the luxury of pretending that they're something more.
Even worse, Bazelon notes. the hard times are straining even the closest of friendships: It's hard to find things to talk about when one person's life is a mess and the other's is going swimmingly.
If all this has made you feel broke and lonely, I'd recommend you not read this blog post about a study finding that those with the most friends at school ended up making the most money as adults, with each "extra friend" adding an extra 2% in salary.
Has the recession put a strain on your friendships?
I think this "loss of friends in tough times" happens all the time, it's just on a larger scale this time. For example, I lots a lot of friends during a major illness – thanks for the support – because I wasn't able to do all the fun stuff anymore. I think hard times let us know exactly who our real friends are – the friends worth our time.
I see men using the heck out of woman "per say" because the woman has an income and the man dont
So it is'nt just women to put shame on . Men are just as rotten as a woman could be in a relationship. I have had both of best worlds.
ITS A FACT…………. that money can ruin friendships, etc…. Honesty is the Best Policy & pay your own way are the best policies always in a recession or not. just be honest about what you can afford and what you can't and remember to just pay your own way. There are lots of creative things for children to do that don't cost a dime! how about the library — great things there!! you'd be suprised if you get creative; you can have a good time on the cheap.
I went through some rough times several years ago (homeless) and was abandoned by all my so called friends and even family. I am married now to a great man and I don't have a need for so called "friends". We are very well off today and it would be very easy to make new friends, but as a couple, we live a very active and happy life without those useless friendships. I rarely even bother to see or speak to my family. We do have great relationships with his family, thank God!!!
It is having a greater effect on our kids. We don’t quite know how to explain to our six year old that some of her new school friend can do some things and go some places that we can’t (pay cut) or why some other friends can not do some summer things that we can. There is no blame that Trish and Lisa can go to four summer camps but Angie can only do two and Karen stays home all summer. My income has become smaller than Lisa’s Daddy and larger than Karen daddy. We all belong to the school-community organizations and we do talk about this inequity with no pretence. It is just an economic fact. Those that have more should not allow their circumstance to effect what they spend on their children or how they should feel about it. Those in the have less simply acknowledge that some things are not in our budget right now.
To Stanly from Minneapolis: I'd feel sorry for Trish and Lisa in your example who have to be away from their parents most of the summer…
Parents, the best summer fun you can give your kids is spending time with them doing inexpensive, creative things!