Picking up a friend's bar tab
Question: We often eat out with another couple, always dividing the check 50/50. Since Pam and I are economizing these days, we no longer order drinks in restaurants. Our friends do, though, and they don’t seem to notice that splitting the check has become an awfully good deal for them. I think they should offer to pay for their booze, but Pam thinks our long-standing 50/50 arrangement is fine. Who’s right?
Answer: No wonder your friends aren’t cutting back on the cocktails in order to economize. They’ve got you to pick up half their bar tab. Count your blessings they’re not drinking more, now that their libations come with a 50% discount.
While we sympathize with Pam’s desire to avoid unsettling the friendship, this boat needs rocking. Presumably you’ve been splitting checks with your friends, not only because it’s gracious and easy, but because over time things have more or less been evening out. But unless the stimulus package includes some cocktail tokens for you, that’s no longer true — which means it’s time to change the deal.
Our advice? Stop wishing your friends would offer to pay for their drinks and tell them nicely but directly that, since you’re no longer ordering alcohol in restaurants, you’d like them to ask for a separate bar tab. Of course, you might want to first fortify yourselves with a stiff one at home.
Cheers — and good luck.
Questions? Email Money Magazine’s ethicists – authors of “Isn’t It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?” (Free Press) – at FlemingandSchwarz@right-thing.net.
How hard is it to say, "my part is about $15 bucks", and put that much in? Nobody is reaching into anybody else's wallet are they?
I am baffled by some of these postings. When you pay out the nose for everything you do in the Northeast, a few dollars at a bar or dinner is truly insignificant (and yes, ‘a few dollars’ is $40 considering its probably 2 or 3 drinks). Just split the bill or just pick up the tab and rotate turns between guys. The people who are so concerned with this minimal amount of money are probably the same people that caused the housing crisis in this country.
Here's Mike's scenario and see if others agree with it.
My wife and I order a nice meal for $40 while Mike and his wife order $120 worth of food and booze it up.
I should be okay with paying an extra $40 and splitting the $160 check?
How many people are okay with subsidizing Mike's lifestyle?
a.) Mike is a douche for saying that they should let $40 slide every time.
b.) Mike is clearly a mooch
c.) Mike cares too much about what others think and is easily embarrassed. See "a".
When I'm feeling generous, I don't mind splitting the bill evenly or even paying for the whole tab. But I get angry when I start to realize people take advantage and some "friends" don't even try reaching for their wallet. That's when I bring cash and pay for my own stuff or ask for a separate check.
Nothing annoys me more than a bunch of friends gathering and when the bill comes, it's always short even though you yourself put in a little bit more than necessary. Don't go out if you can't afford it or order something cheaper.
I may have a larger disposable income than some of my friends, but that doesn't mean I'm responsible for their food and entertainment. Nor should they expect it.
If I'm generous, say I paid for dinner, I don't expect reciprocity. But it would be nice if people were also generous with me. If I treated at a nice restaurant, I did so because I love my friends and it's one of the ways I show it. But I also appreciate friends treating me out too, even if it's a hot dog or burger at the local dive. It's not about price parity, it's about having a bilateral friendship.
So, if you want to pay for other people's stuff, great. But be careful that you're not being taken advantage of. Because that's not how friends treat each other.
d.) Mike doesn't have any real friends. Just the same superficial types he himself appears to be. Not all of us have trust funds. Some of us work hard for our money.
Do you really need hard economic times to realize that when the bill is obviously lopsided you shouldn't pay for their stuff?
My advice for the Question poser: Get a new wife, she's obviously a whiner.
We prefer to pay the full bill the first time, and the other couple pays the full bill the second time. There is no need to split the checks. If the time comes for the other couple to pay, and they order smaller meals or fewer drinks than when it is your turn to pay, then you know they are trying to take advantage of you. You then have 3 choices: ignore it, bring it up with them, or stop going out with them.
Coolguy from San Diego, your post made my day! This is by far the best advice on here, and very funny!
————-
Look, everyone, the solution is really simpler than it appears! Why is everyone making such a big fuss about whether or not to split the check or ask for separate checks to save a couple of bucks? Follow my timeless / classic rules and you will never experience the “short-end of the stick” when dining out:
1 – When dining out with mostly strangers, casually bring up the fact that it’s your birthday tonight. They might just end up offering to pick up your portion of the tab.
2 – If the check just so happens to be placed on a tray by the waiter, and your buddies are piling cash on top of it, quickly throw in your cheaper-portion of cash in between everyone else’s bills and hope no one realizes that you paid less (just remember not to carry any big bills, $1, $5, bills works out best for this strategy as it will give the illusion that you forked out a ton of money!)
3 – If you’re buddies at the table are intoxicated enough, when the check arrives, fake an emergency bathroom visit, and stay inside the stalls long enough for the bill to be fully paid by your friends. If you suspect that your friends may not be drunk enough to fall for this, just keep ordering rounds of shots. Patience is a virtue!
4 – If you’re broke, still go out with your friends to have a great time. When the server arrives at your table, insist that you ate already and really are not that hungry (just order an ice water with lemon). As your friends start to get drunk and orders appetizers, that will naturally offer to buy you a few round of drinks and the alcohol will make them very generous in offering up those chicken fingers. (As a rule of thumb: always deny the offering at first. Say “No, no, I ate already, and not really in the mood to drink”. They will try to test your manliness, and say c’mon Kyle, have this shot of tequila. Then take one..or 2…or 15…guilt-free! and without paying a dime…
5 – Bring with you to the restaurant the latest issue of Black Belt magazine, put your glass of water on top of it, and make it known to your friends that you have study martial arts. Then let your buddies know that the thing which bothers you the most are people that eat/drink and do not pay their fair share of the bill. Proceed to crack your knuckles a few times…
6 – If you ordered an expensive dish, say a Filet Mignon, eat about half of it, then excuse yourself for a trip to the bathroom. Rip off a piece of your hair, return to your table, and when no one is looking place the hair on the steak. Call the manager over, and they will say “Sir, we’ll be glad to take that off your bill”. Works everytime! And if you were only brave enough to bring in a cockroach from home?? The opportunities would be endless!
7 – And finally, when dining out with the guys…it’s okay to not have any even split every now and then. It’s still male-bonding, and the relationship strengthens. But if you are with females only, be very careful. Never let emotions get in the way of rational thinking. You must objectively ask yourself the following:
1 – Are the girls fat? Yes = ask for separate checks!
2 – If I end up paying for another female’s portion of the bill, or contributed more cash than necessary, you must ask yourself the following: what is the projected return on investment with these females? Is it worth the risk? If the answer is No, get a separate check.
These rules have been followed since the ancient times, and have been a secret to the happiness of many individuals. I hope this helps and that you all may begin to apply these strategies the next time you are planning to go out with friends for drinks and dinner.
Posted By Coolguy, San Diego, CA: June 4, 2009 3:29 pm
Do you get upset if they order a steak and you order a salad?
If yes, you should have been splitting the check a long time ago.
If no, why are you worring about this?
I think it's hilarious that people are actually calling others "cheap" for not wanting to pay for someone else's drinks. I go out with friends and I choose to drink Water because it's the healthiest drink on the menu. In total, with a group of 4 or 5 of us, the bar tab reaches at least $100.00 with people ordering trendy beers (that taste awful) or fancy umbrella drinks. On top of that, there's an extra drink tax in Pittsburgh on alcohol. Definitely lopsided and NOT in the non-drinker's favor.
Who uses cash anymore? Just use a debit card, and split the checks. The server (in most cases) doesn't seem to mind.
Before the start of each meal at the restaurant with my friends, I ALWAYS have them sign a legally enforceable contract agreeing to the terms of payment when the final check arrives. If there are 4 of us at table, I pull out my contract, manually insert that each individual is responsible for 25% of the bill, and I put "X's" near each line where my friends have to sign off. I have my attorney review the contract, and after he approves, I send him back out to wait in the limo while we eat and drink. We live in a dog-eat-dog world, and we must take the necessary precautions to protect our wealth.
This used to happen to my daughter, a college student in LA, all the time with one particular "friend". She and the rest of their friends have solved the problem by always asking for separate checks, and she says servers never give them a hard time.
It is genuinely hard to tell here whether the drinking friends are "cheapskates," taking advantage of the writer, or merely clueless.
The former is difficult to manage to and still keep this couple dinner-partner friendly, the latter is actually rather simple to manage.
For the cheapskate case, only direct, prolonged, repetitive, and obnoxious intervention will suffice – after all, the behavior IS NOT about being thrifty or cheap – its about controlling behavior to maximize advantage.
Simply ask your friends to order booze separately. They will QUICKLY self identify as either friends, or arseholes – "sure, no problem," in the first instance….and a "HOW DARE YOU!!!," in the second.
Look, everyone, the solution is really simpler than it appears! Why is everyone making such a big fuss about whether or not to split the check or ask for separate checks to save a couple of bucks? Follow my timeless / classic rules and you will never experience the "short-end of the stick" when dining out:
1 – When dining out with mostly strangers, casually bring up the fact that it's your birthday tonight. They might just end up offering to pick up your portion of the tab.
2 – If the check just so happens to be placed on a tray by the waiter, and your buddies are piling cash on top of it, quickly throw in your cheaper-portion of cash in between everyone else's bills and hope no one realizes that you paid less (just remember not to carry any big bills, $1, $5, bills works out best for this strategy as it will give the illusion that you forked out a ton of money!)
3 – If you're buddies at the table are intoxicated enough, when the check arrives, fake an emergency bathroom visit, and stay inside the stalls long enough for the bill to be fully paid by your friends. If you suspect that your friends may not be drunk enough to fall for this, just keep ordering rounds of shots. Patience is a virtue!
4 – If you're broke, still go out with your friends to have a great time. When the server arrives at your table, insist that you ate already and really are not that hungry (just order an ice water with lemon). As your friends start to get drunk and orders appetizers, that will naturally offer to buy you a few round of drinks and the alcohol will make them very generous in offering up those chicken fingers. (As a rule of thumb: always deny the offering at first. Say "No, no, I ate already, and not really in the mood to drink". They will try to test your manliness, and say c'mon Kyle, have this shot of tequila. Then take one..or 2…or 15…guilt-free! and without paying a dime…
5 – Bring with you to the restaurant the latest issue of Black Belt magazine, put your glass of water on top of it, and make it known to your friends that you have study martial arts. Then let your buddies know that the thing which bothers you the most are people that eat/drink and do not pay their fair share of the bill. Proceed to crack your knuckles a few times…
6 – If you ordered an expensive dish, say a Filet Mignon, eat about half of it, then excuse yourself for a trip to the bathroom. Rip off a piece of your hair, return to your table, and when no one is looking place the hair on the steak. Call the manager over, and they will say "Sir, we'll be glad to take that off your bill". Works everytime! And if you were only brave enough to bring in a cockroach from home?? The opportunities would be endless!
7 – And finally, when dining out with the guys…it's okay to not have any even split every now and then. It's still male-bonding, and the relationship strengthens. But if you are with females only, be very careful. Never let emotions get in the way of rational thinking. You must objectively ask yourself the following:
1 – Are the girls fat? Yes = ask for separate checks!
2 – If I end up paying for another female's portion of the bill, or contributed more cash than necessary, you must ask yourself the following: what is the projected return on investment with these females? Is it worth the risk? If the answer is No, get a separate check.
These rules have been followed since the ancient times, and have been a secret to the happiness of many individuals. I hope this helps and that you all may begin to apply these strategies the next time you are planning to go out with friends for drinks and dinner.
Flexibility, not jumping to conclusions about bad intentions, and a little communication go a long way.
There is no need to bash the friends, and no need to bash the writer of this letter.
Many people prefer to split the check 50/50 because it is easy way to settle up- not because they are cheap or because they are suckers.
However, most of these same people won't mind a different split of the check that reflects who ordered what. If you say: "We are ordering differently than we used to in order to reduce expenses, so we were wondering if you would be ok with a different split of the check going forward?" it will probably take care of things.
In this case, a separate bar tab sounds like a good solution.
In other cases, a quick approximation may suffice to avoid a half hour analysis at the end of the meal, down to the penny. At times, some extra communication may be helpful to avoid misconceptions about intent: "It looks like about $___ for me- are you ok with that? Please tell me if you think I miscalculated."
This couple will end up staying at home drinking Coke and eating dinner with all their make
believe friends because they won't have any. Terrible advice in my opinion.
I can't tell you how annoying it is when a bunch of girls having dinner each pay for their own portion.
My wife can't stand it and always complains about having to pay an extra $10 or so when the pot is
short and everyone is silent when asked if everyone paid enough or anything at all. Just split it 50/50
or evenly among a group of 10 or 6 etc….
My opinion is if you are not drinking get a steak or lobster to even things out. No one likes to point
people out saying "He had a steak and thats $5 more than my shrimp salad" blah blah blah.
It seems like most of these comments are either taking the position that "it is normal and acceptable to request separate checks" or "if you can't afford to split 50/50 you shouldn't even go out". I'd be willing to guess that those people who share the latter position are the same people who are thousands of dollars in credit card debt, and are behind in their mortgage payments, or have already lost their house, or have never been able to afford to purchase a house.
Being responsible with your money is a good thing. If you are making an effort to control your spending, you should not have to subsidize your irresponsible friends.. What's next, are they gonna ask you to chip in for the down payment on a house they can't afford?
I had a roommate in college who was a cheapskate. We'd take turns buying pizza. When it was her time to buy, she'd split the check 33/33/33 and deduct my share of the pizza from the rent check she paid me. She did not add her share of the pizza when I bought. That's cheapskate.
I've never had a problem getting separate checks – servers typically ask upfront if checks are separate or together. If that's not the case where you are, and the bills even out over time, I could see where it'd be obnoxious to ask for them. If checks are generally uneven in one couples favor, though, I think it's more obnoxious to demand that checks continue to be split 50-50.
I AM one of those people that is the "drinker". If I'm out for beers with buddies, we buy rounds. If my wife and I go out with another couple, I'll always ask for separate checks. The first couple of times I did this, they were surprised, until I explained that they don't need to be paying for my drinks. The POS systems in bars and restaurants now make it easy for the server to split the bill. He or she also gets an extra couple of bucks for their trouble.
You'll tell your friends up front after the first time you get burned by a lopsided check…and the other ones that pull that stunt (they really don't know) won't get a chance because you will ask for separate checks up front and not care whether they like it or not.
I could afford to pay for everyone's drinks every time and not miss a beat, but then I would probably not have as much money with those kind of impress-the-crowd money management skills.
From the information in the question it sounds like these two couples have been going out for quite a while, and that in the past they had always split the check 50/50. It is very possible that it just never occurred to the other couple that now that their friends aren't drinking anymore, they should change how they do things. It is very easy to get stuck in the "we do it this way because we have always done it this way" mode of operation. Just mention calmly that since you aren't drinking anymore, you would like to change how the check is split. The odds are that if they are good friends, they will be mortified that they didn't think of changing how the bill is paid themselves. If they object to changing – then they weren't good friends to begin with.
Look, we have some friends we go out with that we go 50/50 with regularly, and it all evens out over multiple outings. We have other friends that are an embarassment as they are asking the waiter or waitress for pencil and paper so they can perform division and spend 30 mins each outing breaking down the bill, asking for second opinions, re-checking all line items with the group mulitple times etc….it is both exhausting and pathetic to watch.
Hang out with people that function on your budget and tastes…and even that doesn't assure fairness will result if you are silent.
And damned if an inquisition following every bill your groups gets is anything but a lousy way to end a great night out.
I have a feeling the few people on here calling people cheap are really the cheap ones.
I bet they're the ones ordering booze and appetizers and then crying when you want to order separate and fair checks.
I've seen these people before, they know what they're doing, and if you call them on it, they get angry and try to deflect it.
I make and manage my money well, and I don't want to pay for somebody else's drinks just like I don't want to pay for thier credit card interest, car payment above their means, nor their mortage if they bought too much house.
It's easy. Separate checks works great. You pay for only what you order. If long time friends can't understand that you want to cut back on entertainment spending, but still go out and have a good time, then they aren't very good people, let alone good friends. Even if they are a little upset at first, they'll see the light and come around.
People that are poor and fat…that is really what's wrong here. They have lousy jobs, are lazy, tire easily, and feel cheated on many levels.
Sounds like another ploy from the poor porkers.
Leave your baggage at home. Everyone that has a drink on your bill constitutes you "subsidizing someone else’s drinking habit". Nah.
Sorry to hear about your Midwestern pals drinking themselves to death in the heartland.
Your residence in the Midwest is a geographical distinction, not an ideological one…at least that is what most of us Americans have been told.
At least you didn't bring the fire and brimstone tales upon your readers….I was waiting for that. You must have run out of room.
Most people have the right idea here. Mike seems to think that if you don't want to drink or can't afford to drink, you shouldn't go out. What a #$%#! What a damned nerve! … He undoubtedly expects people to subsidize him. I don't drink when I go out because my GF never touches the stuff. So in Mike's book, we should either pay for half of his alcohol or stay home? Unbelievable!
I am appalled at the way some people are talking about this situation. “Get a better job?” There are tens of millions who have been laid off recently and can’t find “A” job, let alone a better one. “God you people are cheap, just don’t go out at all?” Just because a person doesn’t want to pay for someone else’s bar tab, doesn’t make them cheap. It’s their hard earned money that they worked for and they should spend it on something THEY want, not subsidizing someone else’s drinking habit.
What if they don’t drink at all or don’t drink outside of their home? I’ve had 2 friends die from drinking and driving and I don’t drink when I go out at all. I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay for someone else to get stupid drunk (or even stupid tipsy) when they can endanger the innocent lives of others while driving.
All of you who are calling these people cheap must have ample money. That’s great. I don’t begrudge you that all. This is America, the land of opportunity, and everyone should have the ability to “get theirs.” But at the same time, realize also that $40-$100 in New York (where it seems many negative comments came from) may be a drop in the bucket compared to the same amount in Mid-west.
My advice, be honest with your friends. If they are true friends, they will understand and be accepting of your situation. If they pitch a fit about it, you have learned a valuable lesson about who your real friends are and you need to find some new ones.
For over twenty years, we generally felt we were getting hosed after the bill was paid. In most cases, we make more money (and mangage it better) than the others, yet those that prefer to split the bar bill 50/50 are also the ones who feel the need to order top-shelf and multiple appetizers, etc. Also can't stand those who consider themselves and their date (both drinking) as "one share" when it came to splitting the check among other singles. We love to go out and eat and drink aplenty, but we also expect to pay for only our fair share.
"THOSE ARE NOT FRIENDS…DUMP EM WHILE IT’S STILL CHEAP ENOUGH!"
This is exactly right. People that do this are usually not oblivious or too rich to think that nobody cares. In fact, I have a friend who IS super rich (multi millionaire) and he'd never buy expensive wine and expect me to pay, just as I would never go to dinner with him and expect him to pay for my dinner just because he's got more money.
If you have "friends" that do this kind of thing, they're either completely oblivious and lacking in empathy or consideration for their friends, or they're taking you for a ride. Either scenario is not good, and I'd dump them in a heartbeat.
When we go for dinner with friends we always look at the bill and discuss if we're going to split it. If it looks reasonably even, then we'll usually just split it (a buck or two either way is no big deal), but if one couple obviously ordered way more expensive stuff ,then that couple will be the first to say "well, we ordered more, so let's ask for separate checks or add it up". Often we'll just split it and then leave different tips…
The only person who pulls this kind of crap on me is my wife's sister. She's getting better (because I refused to go out with her any more), but I do remember one time when SHE suggested we go to an expensive bar and she ordered a $12 cocktail. I ordered a bottle of beer. When the tab came she put down $3 and said "there's something for starters" and just expected that we pick up the rest. We earn a lot more money than she does, but given that's the case, she shouldn't be suggesting we go out to fancy places and *expecting* that someone pay for her. Basically, she's a sponge. I'll tolerate this from family but not from friends…
With my regular group of friends, we have one guy who orders drinks for the table without asking anyone if they're interested. $10 shots of Patron or Grey Goose Martini: no problem! And, occasionally, being the social person he is, he'll order drinks for people he doesn't even know.
Of course, the rest of us have to pick up the tab because we split the bill equally. Personally, I can live with this because things tend to even out among us in the long run. If they didn't, I would complain.
You can call it dutch or military, dutch is split 50/50, military is pay for what you had. It is easy to ask your friends, or suggest what you prefer, rather than fretting later.
The problem here is lack of thoughtfulness-the couple ordering the booze should realize the situation and be considerate enough to pay their fair share…not making you the "bad guy" if you say something about it…I promise you once the subject is brought up, their reaction will determine just what kind of friends they really are…
I use this website, davitily.com/bc, on my mobile phone to split the bill fairly among friends. Everybody pays their fair share of tax and tip.
Trends are all going toward separate checks. When my husband and I are out with our friends, it's never a question. we always get separate checks or divide up the bill according to what we've ordered. This idea of going 50/50 is just another way people try to keep up with each other. Pay for what you order. It makes sense.
Really? Anybody that thinks it's ok for this to happen must be a sponge themselves. It has nothing to do with being cheap. Anyone that thinks you should be splitting the bill is probably the same person that let their roomies buy the food in college and then helped themselves to the chow.
I'm a server, and just so you know, you can do some amazing bouncing around with tabs. All you have to do is ask. Try asking the server to give you a bill with half of the food plus your own beverages. (Assuming you drink a soda and not water.) Throw in an extra buck or two for the server's trouble, and you're still not spending near as much as paying for half of their cocktails.
This is if you don't feel like explaining to your friends that you are cutting out $7 mojitos in favor of a better bank account. Being straightforward is the best option, but the above is a possibility if you want to avoid the confrontation. One or two meetings of this, and they should be able to pick up on the change and why.
I'm curious as to why they have not noticed a change in your spending habits. If they happen to ask why you are not drinking, please, use this as an opportunity to open the subject.
Friendships are "fair" relationships. Friendships cannot exist when one side feels they are being taken advantage of.
If it bothers you (and it should, you should not be subsidizing your friends' drinking habits), then your options are to say something now, or build up a resentment toward them over time and not want to do anything with them anymore. While you may feel embarassed or silly now, you will save yourself an obviously good friendship.
Wow, some of you are absolutely ridiculous. There is no reason one couple should be paying for their friends' bar tab on a regular basis. There is nothing wrong with getting completely separate checks or asking that the bar tab be on a separate check (and then splitting the food bill) if one couple chooses not to drink while the other couple runs up a $100 bill. Saying "don't go out if you can afford an extra $40" is just stupid. In some budgets an "extra $40" simply doesn't exist, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't occasionally go out with friends for a nice dinner. Get a grip and stop having your drinking subsidized by your "friends."
I have friends like that, as the matter of fact, most of them are like that. So when my husband and I go out, we prepare to eat and drink. Try once, out drink and eat them and split 50/50. See how they feel. It's not cheap to be responsible about your spending. You don't work so hard to make money just to pay someone else tab. Honestly, your friends know they are taking advantage. If you don't say anything, nothing will change.
"Better yet, outdrink them and see if they notice when the tables are turned."
Best comment thus far…and completely agree.
Some people can't get better jobs, or even jobs. Your comments are short-sighted and egocentric, to say the least.
Splitting the bill 50/50 works great if you have similar ordering habits, as it will even out in the long run. However, when drinks are involved on one side, you are talking a $20-$40 swing in balance. I go out with my friends about 1-2 times per week. Adding $10-$20 to each time can add up in a hurry.
I like my friends, but I'm not going to subsidize their drinking habits.
I ask for separate checks before we even order when I know there might be a lopsided bill later. It makes for a smooth understanding from the beginning how the meal will be paid. It is amazing to me how this has changed what the people do order after they were discussing something totally different (and usually much more expensive).
We never have drinks when we dine out which substantially lowers the bill. If we had dinner with another couple and the liquor bill was high, lets say
over $20.00, I would asked that the liquor bill as well as our soda bill be taken care of separately. Say goodbye to that friendship. * Kevin *
If you are truly unhappy with picking up their bar tab, lets face, it a couple of beers is one thing, but a couple of $15 martinis and a bottle of wine are another, there is a more indirect way to send the message rather than asking for separate checks. When the check comes, put down roughly what you owe for 50% of the meals with tax and tip and just say it wouldn't be fair to pick up their bar tab if your not drinking. Be careful, though, because if you got apps or desert and they didn't, you may look foolish and cheap.
I've got to laugh at the guy that called someone else a tightwad and said "if you can't afford drinks, don't go out".
I can afford drinks, and as such, I'll order them and pay for them. Not try to sucker some friends into subsidizing my drinking.
Embarrassed by separate checks? Probably the same people that think that their you-know-what doesn't stink.
I have a friend who used to pull this crap whenever we'd go out to eat. So now I get to the restaurant first and request separate checks before she arrives. Then it's like it's the waiter's idea and she can pay for her own food/ drinks, which are usually 3 times more than mine.
From my perspective, it's separate checks or not going out with her anymore. No negotiations.
I guess I'm in agreement with the majority on this one, but it calls to mind my relationship with a very longtime friend. We live in different states now, and I seldom hear from him and he doesn't return e-mails or calls. After months pass, I'll get a five-page letter from him as if nothing is wrong. After decades, I've come to accept that this is just "the way he rolls," and our shared experience and depth of the conversations we do have are worth putting up with it. I don't know if I have time to cultivate another 45-year friendship from scratch.
If I were going out with strangers for dinner, I would request seperate checks. If I am going out with friends and they did that, I would be embarrassed if they asked for a separate check. Maybe you all should get better jobs and stop quiveling over pennies.
I also had a friend like this…whenever we would go out for either just drinks or drinks and apps, it would always turn out that I paid significantly more than her. If we split the bill by who had what, she would pay exactly what she owed on the merchandise..to the cent!- but 'forgetting' about tax AND tip! Sometimes it would mean I would pay an extra $20-$25 just because she was too cheap to pay her own tax and tip.
She'd also always happen to 'forget' money to pay for parking… so i'd always end up paying $10-15 for her to park super close to the bar/restaurant, when she could have parked 2 blocks further away for free!
It turned out she wasn't overly fun to hang out with anyway so, after awhile, I stopped spending any time with her.
Wow Michelle from Kansas City… that was a little ridiculous. Stop judging people from where they are from. People in Westchester are not spoiled for the most part… try checking it out before you pass judgement.I think its extremely strange when people suggest separate checks and just adds awkwardness to the whole situation that is meant to be fun.
Most of the times I am out with friends they want to split the check. I usually order more expensive items so I typically ask for separate checks unless it appears to have been similar levels of spending.
Of course there is nothing common about "common courtesy" now is there?
No one should be forced to anything. Everything is optional. If you don't feel comfortable doing 50/50 and prefer a separate tab, just say it out. If your friend(s) mistake, they are not good friends.
If you are single, expenses may not matter a lot to several people but as your family grows, alcohol does add up and can pinch your wallet.
Separate checks is the way. The friends that you think you have that are offended by this, or pretend to be, are really just upset that you will longer subsidize their meal or excessive drinking habits. I've been at tables where the "drinking" couple arrives early, orders rounds for themselves, orders multiple rounds during the meal, and it more than doubles the bill. ( Usually these couples routinely order the most expensive item on the menu as well). For those of us who drink, but not excessively, it comes off as being used.
Ah, Mike of Westchester, NY… nice neighborhood, by the way… you need to understand that "just" an extra $40 might seem like nothing to someone as wealthy and spoiled as you clearly are, but to most mere mortals whose back-breaking labor allows you to live the high-life, $40 is the tank of gas that allows them to get to work, or half a week of groceries, or half of the utilities for a month. I'm sure you couldn't understand.
this happens to us quite a bit with our friends. i think it's ridiculous that people are saying that these people are cheap. our friends are downing several $100 bottles of wine, while i generally just order one glass of wine. i'm sorry that i don't want to pay an extra $200 every week for their expensive taste. it recently happened again at a group dinner where many people ordered 5-6 $15 cocktails and I had a glass of wine that cost $10. i don't think i'm being cheap for just wanting to pay what i ordered.
contrary to what the article states and some comments….
these people ABSOLUTELY SEE AND KNOW you're paying for 50% of their bar tab….PERIOD!
why do you think they've never brought it up?!? and since these are the type of people to take the advantage without even mentioning it, then i suspect they will be the type of friends that get cold-shoulder once you do mention this little issue to them.
they are nothing less than the 95% of typical american lemmings…..they will TAKE what you offer and keep quiet as long as you let them.
they are only interested in themselves and their wants; not you and money issues you may have!
THOSE ARE NOT FRIENDS…DUMP EM WHILE IT'S STILL CHEAP ENOUGH!
When we go out with friends we never have a problem getting separate checks. There is nothing "cheap" about getting separate checks and wanting to spend only on what you ordered regardless if you went to a nice restaurant or to your local casual hangout.
That is some terrible advice. Hey tight-wad, if you can't afford a gin and tonic, you probably should not be out at a restaruant. Save the money instead.
There is absolutely no reason to view a meal out with good friends as requiring you to distance yourself from the opportunity to benefit financially. Companies, economies, countries and markets all compete with, and at the direct expense of, one another. Meals out with friends are another playing field where one can secure financial advantage – both directly, and indirectly by improving your wealth position relative to your bud if you get the upper hand of the 50/50 split. So tuck in to the shrimp appetiser, lobster main and chocolate mousse with capuccino with a good clean conscience. At the end of the day, just go for the buck.
I'm sorry, but when did requesting separate checks make a person a cheapskate and someone that no one should go out with? Plus, it would EMBARRASS some of you if someone did that? Anyone that thinks something like that seriously needs to grow up. Everyone has a right to go out sometimes, and if the other person/couple with you can't afford to pickup a portion of YOUR expensive bill you should be understanding. What is wrong with some people?
My husband likes to have a couple drinks when we go out for dinner and many times we are with people who do not order drinks. A couple of drinks can easily be over $10 so we take the extra cost of his drinks, subtract that from the total, and then split the difference. It seems like this should be common courtesy but apparently people do not have manners anymore.
That's part of going out to eat with others. Go out and enjoy yourself, if you can't afford to let a few dollars slide, going out less would be a better option…especially if you enjoy their company, as others have mentioned. Or you could bust out the calculator next time and see if they ask you to join them again, no one wants to hang out with a cheap-skate.
"stop worrying about an extra $40"
Nice. That would probably explain why Mike doesn't get out much if he has the expectation that others will subsidize his meals.
Going back to the original query, seems pretty obvious that the long-standing 50/50 arrangement needs to be adjusted with some careful communication.
I'm surprised at how many respondents think that you're being cheap if you don't go 50-50. I've never been out to eat with friends where we didn't each pay our own way. In fact, it would be pretty gauche to assume your friends were going to subsidize your eating/drinking. Perhaps the people who insist on splitting the bill are simply inept at basic math.
We always get a seperate tab when we got out with friends and other couples. I thought it's common practice that couples get seperate tabs.
Speak with your friends off-line about your need to save and suggest separate checks either for everything or just for the drinks, including sodas etc. The waiters won't like the extra work, but will accommodate you. (Don't save with the tip.)
To all who suggest not going-out instead: You don't have to be rich to enjoy life, just a little less narrow-minded.
The best way is to bring a bottle of wine from home. Most "real" dinner places allow it and the corking fee is usually around $10.
Split with the table and everyone saves.
What is wrong with you? Just split the bill and stop worrying about an extra $40. If we went out with a couple who requested separate checks, I would be embarrassed and no longer go out with them.
If they were true friends they would notice that you were not ordering drinks, be sensitive to your budget cutback and offer to pay for their own drinks up front.
we had some "friends" like that several years back. My husband was out of work and we continued to split the bill, paying for their expensive dinners and large bar tab… then one night the husband of the other couple announced "my wife is not hungry tonight so WE are asking for separate checks. The next time we went out we asked for separate checks and the other husband said " we are both eating tonight one check is fine" we insisted on separate checks and no longer see that couple.
Some people are just not worth being with. Maybe some of them will read this and get a clue.
Even if under normal circumstances people would find you a cheapskate for wanting to fairly split the tab, the current economy has really reshaped people opinions. If any friend of yours is upset that you request separate checks so that you can save money in the current economy then they are not your friends. I'm guessing these people are and will understand your changed needs. No one wants to be the jerk that drove their friends to lose their house because they didn't want to split the tab. If you feel bad about it, tell them you can return to 50/50 when the economy turns around.
We've switched from ordering beers and drinks to just ordering water w/ lemon.
These people saying if you can't afford a drink, don't go out are being stupid, we don't live in an all or nothing world.
Just skipping on alcohol/drinks can cut up to 25% off your tab, and also save the money you'd have to tip on that 25%.
This way we can go to a better quality resturant with better food and save a lot more money than we used too.
That is dumb! When I go out with friends, one person always pays for everything. Somebody else will pay the next time. Over time, the expenses even out.
If you can't figure out the answer to this on your own, then you should consider yourself lucky to even have freinds.
Two things, if you really can't afford it, just don't go out. One way we and our friends handle it is if it would really be a lopsided bill (they bring their kids, we don't) we just split the bill 50/50 then let the couple with the greater portion picks up the tip. That would probably easily cover the alcohol.
Honestly, what's next? Quibbling over who had steak and who had chicken? What about appetizers – does the couple who eats the extra mozzerella stick pay extra? What about dessert?
This whole article is just plain silly
If this is happening on a constant basis, then sorry to say, they may be your friends, but not understanding and considerate ones. As friends, we look out for each other and notice each others behavior changes. And they have not noticed you are no longer ordering drink ? Amazing……..
Bring a credit card instead of cash. That way, it will encourage seperate checks. If you don't suggest the tab be split 50/50, their drinks will probably end up on their tab. Otherwise, if they suggest to the waiter it should be split 50/50, a discrete suggestion to the server when you get up to go to the restroom will have him ask "and the drinks as well?".
If you really enjoy their company, don't sweat the bill so much and split the check 50/50. When my wife and I go out with our friends, it usually turns into an argument over which of us DOESN'T want to come out ahead on the split – usually the couple that spent the least is the one suggesting the 50/50 split. If you can't afford to go out and have a good time, order a pizza and stay home with your friends. If you do go out, don't be the cheap couple that nobody wants to eat with.
Mike in Fairfax, relax — you are a bit retentive……..one drink…get a clue.
Actually if you are looking at ways to cut costs but still want to enjoy an evening out for dinner, just having water is an excellent way to do that. Many resturants now charge $2.50-$2.99 for tea and soda. If you are taking a family of four that is $10.00!!!!
Good friends would understand seperate checks and it would be no big deal.
DO go out…but do not let other take advantage of you.. I have been thru this, and in the end u will feel cheated. Stop this now and be better friends for a long time.
It is best to keep the option open until the meal is finished, then tally up and if you are ahead on the 50/50 then stick to this as it is the accepted norm. If you will be behind on a 50/50, go new age and propose the split. This arrangement can be adjusted on a meal by meal basis, and also manipulated by adjusting up or down the cost of food you are ordering. For instance, if you are going for a 50/50 type of meal, nail the shrimp starter, lobster main and a chocolate mousse with capuccino afterwards. Remember, politicians, economies, stock markets and mutual funds change daily and from minute to minute in order to survive, and so should you.
You encouraging people to drink and drive? Having one at home before driving to the restaurant. At least say they should not drive.
Happened to me with a couple of so-called "friends," and they behaved like they were doing me a favor! So I simply asked the waiter, when ordering my food, for a separate check. The look on those "friends" faces was priceless, and they immediately changed their orders to less expensive food and drinks.
Money Magazine's ethicists, Jeanne Fleming, Ph.D., and Leonard Schwarz, are the authors of "Isn't It Their Turn to Pick Up the Check?" (Free Press, 2008).
I have been working in the service industry for the past ten years, both as a bartender and a server. When I had to start being more aware of my budget, I would simply start the meal off by telling the server we would be on separate checks. Do this BEFORE the meal, not the end. Makes things easier for everyone, especially if you are only dividing it up by two couples.