Paying for your partner’s divorce

In CA, as the divorce attorney said, it is evil and can cause tremendous diffulties for people wanting out of marriages, but I don't advocate the girlfriend subsidizing the guy's divorce. Indeed,let him get out if he wants out. I had a friend who was involved with a guy in his mid-50's, married 20+ yrs, had no dependent children, owned no property (rented a condo w/ wife) and yet said he "couldn't afford a divorce". His gripe was that she'd get half of everything (CA being a community property state), and he wanted to wait until his own income levels were higher before initiating a divorce. Again, just an excuse. If someone wants out, esp. when they don't even have kids or property issues, it's a matter of making excuses to stay until a girlfriend can provide help with alimony, nicer quality of life than maybe having to get a roommate for awhile to make ends meet. There's many sides to these stories and a divorce does reduce quality of life when a guy has to pay alimony for years on end (the general rule is for half he length of the marriage, so in this case, the guy's stuck for alimony for 10 yrs and says his wife will never remarry, she's done with men).
So, it's not always so easy to just say, "get a divorce if you really want out". Not easy, but if you're serious about moving on, guys do it every day. so, the girlfriend here needs to ask herself whether the dude is just a user or waiting for something better. Tricky business that needs to be handled very carefully…

Forget the ethics of whether or not its right. The real question is, why is she in love with a deadbeat. If he was any kind of man he wouldn't be asking her to pay for this, he'd have enough resources of his own. Or even if he didn't, he wouldn't try to pull a harebrained scheme like getting the other woman to pay for the divorce! What's going to happen when he has to pay for the wedding, the next house, his next car, he's just going to keep singing the Deadbeat's Refrain (I don't have it, I don't have it …) Dump this guy now or you're paying his bills forevermore.

I think he's more interested in your wallet than in you. You might want to reconsider the wisdom of this decision and remember "once a cheat, always a cheat". He cheated on his WIFE and kids with YOU…what's going to keep him from doing the same thing to you, once he's spent all your money (that you appear to be way too generous with)?

Don't be a bonehead.
He doesn't want a divorce – he wants to keep sleeping with you and will tell you anything you want to hear, such as "I want a divorce, I just can't afford it" to keep you happy.
He's lying to you, just like he's lying to his wife.

If she wants to, she can help him pay for the divorce – AFTER he's divorced…

OK let's skip the touchy feely stuff about "ethics." There is a possibility that the guy is in fact SHOPPING for a sugar mama to pay the big bucks for his divorce! Sadly there are people who seek partners with money, health or dental insurance (I know a woman who became a "domestic partner" specifically to get her back surgery paid for by the new BF's health insurance). There are people who want a divorce from a marginal spouse who seek a "new" person to fight the legal, mental, emotional battles to help them get out from under the spouse because they cant/wont/dont want to handle the messy process themselves.

If the guy wants a divorce, fine, he should have one. But the saying "if you want to do it you gotta go through it" for sex and marriage also holds true for divorce. You can't outsource it! If he wants it, he needs to do it himself…INCLUDING the financial part of paying for it himself.

Right now you are blinded by love and not thinking with your head. If he wanted to divorce his wife, then he'd have already done it. He's basically stringing you along and you're allowing it to happen. So much so, that you are actually considering using YOUR own money to help him out with HIS divorce. If he says that he can't afford the divorce and that he's going to get smacked with a huge child support, then you better do some more thinking because it sounds like you'll also be helping to pay for his child support. And what will you do when you find out he's cheating on you? I've never trusted anyone who has an affair because they are likely to do it again.

Danny might just take your money and then the divorce will never happen. Even if it does, he will probably get his next girlfriend to pay for his divorce from you…

Personally I think those that commit affairs should not be entitled to anything in a divorce. [What they've done] is completely wrong.

How about this question:
Is this right for the children?
Not, let's forget about the children (how sad).
Leave him alone: If he loves you as much as you say, he will [take care of paying for] the divorce himself.
Corny as it sounds: Love knows no barriers.

I'm a divorce attorney. This happens a lot more than you'd think. My response is that if he genuinely wants to leave his wife, let him begin the process of doing so. Child support is variable by state; they all have different guidelines. The reasons he's given are insufficient if he really wants out.

Story from before I started practicing: boss and employee were having affair. Was quiet for a while, then came out. Parties decide to leave respective spouses for each other; wife leaves husband for boss, boss decides that he's got too much invested (it is CA, and divorces are evil there) to leave. Besides, it's his 9th affair, and wife doesn't much care because she knows he won't leave.

What would questioner here do if she put in all this money to front the divorce and husband then decides to reconcile and stay with wife? Ouch…

In other words, don't do it.

WOMEN, get this through your head. …. [A married boyfriend] does not want to leave his wife and then JUMP into the same thing with you. You are merely a plaything because his wife/kids/job etc. bore him. Others have played your role and will in the future. Wake up!

It doesn't matter, you are both going to hell anyway.

While we do not know all the specifics of the relationships involved, think about this. At some point in the relationship, Danny felt about his wife the way you think he feels about you now. But now he's cheating on her with you. You can expect him to cheat on you a few months or years down the road as well.

Also consider this, if he wants you, he'll find a way to leave his wife. But take it from a man whose seen other men and women in this exact same scenario: If he hasn't asked you for the money, then he's just using it as an excuse to continue the affair until something better comes along, but he is NOT going to leave her. If he did actually ask you for the money, then it's a good bet he's scamming you. Either way, he isn't leaving her.

She can't trust him now and you sure as heck won't be able to trust him 2 years from now.

To Jim in Memphis: Applying your logic, attempting to impose a value system is "highly unethical." But you are trying to impose your value system by labeling others "highly unethical." Accordingly, you admit that your value system is highly unethical.

You are not Danny's "girlfried," but an adultress. What [he is doing to his wife now], he will be doing to you in the future. I can't believe that there are still women around like that who will subsidize and support such losers.

Yes, child support is meant to totally impoverish the noncustodial parent. I've seen it happen.

I know a guy who makes 20K gross a year and he pays $666 a month for child support on 3 kids. He is about to go homeless because after taxes and child support, he can't even afford to rent a room in someone's home for real cheap.

Someone recently suggested that attempting to impose one's value system on another is unethical. This is called relative ethics, or ethical relativism. It is total crap.

Tony Smit in Austin said, "Huge child support payments? Child support is based on his income. They’re not going to impoverish him, just reduce his lifestyle, cut his cash flow. Is that why he wants out of the marriage, he hates spending money?"

This is dependant upon the state. Iin my experience, child support is set such that it punishes the non-custodial parent and earns Federal Tax dollars for the state (you do realize that for every dollar a state collects, it is typically getting $2 of Federal money right?). For this reason when my wife and I divorced, we opted to not go through the state for child support and [instead] set reasonable dollar amounts relevant to actual costs based on care for the children, receipts, and amount of time spent with each of us.

Additionally, there are states which do NOT care how much money the non-custodial parent makes. They have a scale which dictates the average median wage of a person of your age and gender and they force you to pay based on that wage or higher (if your actual wages are above the median for your age and gender). I was a stay at home father while attending school, yet due to my age I was expected to make at least $3000/month pre tax and was assessed at that rate – status as a stay at home parent and full-time college student did not matter.

I would like to add to my previous comments that after all helping him is not that bad an idea. At least it will give the opportunity to his wife and kids to live a good life. The more mess both of you create in the divorce process, that much more beautiful life his wife and kid will live. Both of you will live a loser’s life and the kid will suffer.

I know a couple who have been to his wife’s and kid's place and are living a good life. He is a male and his wife had unreasonable family support instead of affair.

And I also know someone where in the divorce situation the wife’s family didn't support their daughter, which has forced the couple to create good life for their only child and themselves. I bet her family truly loves her and cares for her.

Fine. Discuss the issues you would suggest considering. Attempting to imposing your value system on another by labeling it as "right" is, in my view, highly unethical.

My view is an opinion, as is yours. Neither of is qualified to issue judgment.

The advice is right in spirit.

I logged on to CNN Money for news, information, and analysis. This is what I found. Looks more like an excerpt from a Jerry Springer episode than anything that remotely resembles journalism. Why would you place this garbage next to real economic news?

Everyone knows that Danny is a useless cockroach on this earth. I'm more worried about you, as you still have the opportunity to live a good life.

If you helpshim so that he does not get financially screwed, then you are a chronically depressed, pathetic, bad person. [Even having to]ask this question shows that you have some problem.

Beside the ethics, which stink by the way. How about the legal liability? You are essentially bribing him to get a divorce. I wonder what the wife's lawyer would do with that.

This man is willing to ask his current girlfriend for help in getting out of his current marriage with his current spouse? The woman asking the question should mentally move herself a few years into the future, where she will shift from the role of "girlfriend" to her hopeful new role as "spouse".

How would she then want someone to answer this exact same question?

This guy is willing to commit adultery once. What stops him from doing it again? Nothing. In fact, he is more likely to do this again, especially if rescued by her money from negative consequences.

It is up to this woman if she wants to find "true love" this way. She should be willing to live with the consequences.

You've got to be kidding me. Is it still April 1st? I mean, this article is a joke, right? RIGHT?

"Question: I was wondering if you could tell me if my head was screwed on straight. I'm an adult, but still have post-adolescent self-esteem issues and don't think I can do much better than the married man I'm 'dating.' My question is, 'Should I pay for him to divorce his wife and then be surprised when he leaves me?' Any help you can provide is greatly appreciated."

You've got to be kidding me.

I can not even believe the premise of this question……discussing if it is "ethical" to assist in financing a divorce when a person is involved in an adulterous relationship. Maybe the question should be posed "Is my behavior ethical that I am in a relationship with a married man who has family committments?" This article is indicative of the moral demise of our culture. The acceptance of immoral behavior only leads to further destruction in our society. Has she considered the children that will be undoubtedly deeply affected by her choice of being involved with a married man? The utter selfishness of of individuals involved with a married man with a family is astonishing. Married is Married until divorced. As a country, we will continue to reap what we sow when we have such decaying moral standards.

So true, so true!!!! And if he really wanted a divorce….he probably would already be divorced.

I would say that if he really loved you, then love would know no bounds, he would divorce his wife, not caring about the consequences or the money aspect (what's love when compared to things like homes and child support). This man seems selfish and concerned only with himself. Why is child support a bad thing? If he has fathered children with this woman, don't you want him to do the right thing and care for his children?

Dump him and find yourself a real man. It's not a question of money but a question of your self-respect.

As someone who has been married for 28 years, please take the money you were going to spend on Danny's divorce, and get some couples counseling.
He will not leave his wife until you pay for it?
Are you will to pay his alimony and child support too?
Do you really want to be known as the other woman who broke up his marriage and family?

What's wrong with this picture?
Where are the numbers!

He says he'll lose his house – big deal.
If there is a mortgage on it, then he can force a renegotiation of the mortgage to take his name off. If there is no mortgage, the ex-wife gets the house and has to pay taxes and maintenance. Or she can sell it and rent somewhere.

Better yet is to sell the house and split the proceeds. That might be difficult to do in this economic climate and women tend to want to keep a house once they have settled in.

Huge child support payments? Child support is based on his income. They're not going to impoverish him, just reduce his lifestyle, cut his cash flow. Is that why he wants out of the marriage, he hates spending money?

Arguments over money are one big factor in marital failures. If he is arguing with his wife now, he just might be arguing with you in the future.

And in the future economic maelstrom, if he loses his income, are you going to be supplying the money for the child-support payments to keep him out of jail for non-payment?

I think he is withholding financial information from you. Insist on a full accounting of his income and assets. Have it verified by a third party as if he were applying for a mortgage.

I think he is looking for reasons not to get a divorce, he wants you to be his playtoy, a bosom buddy he can call up when he needs excitement and refreshment.

I think you should not subsidize his divorce.